Ever since I remember, I have clung to knowledge. For me, it is the most important way of being. It is the only way in which I have successfully navigated this world. Where emotions, intuition and trust in others has failed, knowledge and reasoning is something I could always depend on. What I have regarded as the greatest merit has turned out to be a poison. It is not because of the naive notion that the more you know less peace of mind you have, but rather, that one cannot rely solely on knowing, because even knowing and reasoning fails. The language itself carries this lack in expressions like "words fail to express", "incomprehensible", "indescribable" etc. There are points in speech — and therefore in reasoning — where we face a boundary, beyond which there is something that induces anxiety and terror. This is also what miracles induce, but it is followed by peace of mind and faith. That is, if you are not poisoned by the modern "scientific" way of thinking.
Miracle, by definition, is something out of the ordinary. Such an event is not very likely to happen, but nevertheless probable. My poisoned way of thinking could be attributed to Hume, whereas if something miraculous was to happen, I am more likely to doubt my perception more than my "common sense". This effectively makes you blind to miracles. I have prayed to God to grant me certainty, to show me a sign, to give me comfort in some way, but that has not happened. But why would God do that for me? We both know that I would not recognize a miracle if it was right under my nose. The revelations in dreams, however vivid the may be, will be a lost cause, as I will see them like Freud would: a manifestation of my wish fulfillment. Simply put, I would sooner think I am being delusional.
God is still merciful, even in knowledge He allows me to bear witness to his miracles precisely in the mode of being that I am most familiar with — in knowledge. I am aware, that Jesus Christ's crucifixion is the most impactful and the most documented event in history; and that he fulfilled the most improbable amount of prophesies. It is also for certain, that His apostles died horrible deaths in persecution, still believing that He had risen from the dead. Even an insane person would at some point doubt what he has seen if he was under such persecution. A normal person, moreover, would not go through hell on earth for a lie. And yet, ironically, knowledge, for me, is not enough at this point.
What I realized, is that one miracle, or one point of knowing will never be enough for me. While it has been a turning point for many, for me would be a disregarded exception. Therefore — and I have had this feeling for a while — I must partake in the miracles of Christ on a regular basis. I must try to become and remain the part of His body, the church. One day I will muster up the courage to do so.
For Jews request a sign, and Greeks seek after wisdom; but we preach Christ crucified, to the Jews a stumbling block and to the Greeks foolishness, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
— 1 Corinthians 1:22-25