There's a lot I am grateful for in life, I have it quite easy with almost everything imaginable. I have the most supportive and loving family, relatives and friends. My salary puts me in the top 3% in the country and my line of work is extremely flexible leaving me time for personal matters. I have a wide field of hobbies and no shortage of right circle of friends where I can indulge, such as playing music in a band, playing board games, video games, reading and discussing philosophy, hiking, camping and fishing, etc. Apart from the day job, I am a co-founder of a company with my friend where we build software. I invest in the stock market to accumulate wealth for an eventual retirement and financial freedom. All the difficulties that come up in life are manageable enough. Despite all that, I am miserable.
I remember enjoying and being excited about all of it, day after day. At some point this stopped and turned into a routine, a responsibility, rather than a vocation or leisure. Everything I do seems like a necessity rather than aspiration. I am growing, improving, gaining things but it feels like I am going nowhere. In my teens I had this sensation of unknown and exciting future ahead of me, where I was just waiting, incubating, learning and improving until that time would come when I would get to live. And here I am in my mid-twenties, still waiting, but for nothing. I know I can and most likely will be successful, that most of those things I daydreamed about as a kid will come true, but now I know that it will take a lot of effort and the fruits of my labour – as fine as they come – will not be what I expect. I used to find joy in pursuing things, hoping that fulfilling my aspirations would complete me. I was only happy during the pursuit, when wanting and hoping. Now I am expected to do the same until... what? Until I die? Until I get so wealthy that I can spend my remaining 10 to 20 years in luxury? Throughout the years I am realizing that I am preparing for nothing.
Every day I wake up looking forward to the in-between moments of work and leisure. Small times where I get to do absolutely nothing, just sitting in silence. I feel like all the life is being lived for me and I am just there watching it. As a child I felt like I was waiting and preparing for something. I still feel the same way today, but now it feels wrong, as the future is not so mysterious and exciting. I do not enjoy most of what I do, even though it sometimes brings me joy, it does not make me happy. Yet every day I go through with everything, feeling like I distract myself. Should there not be something greater? Something I could die for, even right at this instant, whereas living would happen to be a blessing to get to wake up and labour for something far more important.
I ask myself these questions and hardly take any time to look for the answers. I am distracting myself with work and leisure, postponing everything for the future that might not even come. I am doing this willingly and consistently. I am actively dying.